The Test

“Can I help you?” the pharmacist inquires.

I blush bright red.

“Condoms?” She second guesses.

“Actually, I need a pregnancy test”

“Oh!” You can almost hear her brain registering the irony. “Any preference for the type?”

The Piss-on-a-stick type? The words form in my mind, but somehow I resist from uttering them out loud. I shake my head. I’ve yet to establish a preferred method for pregnancy testing.

The pharmacist passes me a box with a reassuring warm smile. “This one will be just fine”

I hurriedly exit the shop, feeling like some naughty schoolboy. But at nearly 40 years old, I am anything but.

An unfortunate series of events has led me to this moment. My wife Jo performed a test two days ago without reading the instructions; and it was a day too early. Yesterday she peed all over one causing the test to be unusable and this morning she dropped another blooming one down the toilet.

We attempted to buy another in the supermarket this afternoon. Jo perused the various tests available (apparently she has established a preferred method for pregnancy testing). I perused the Sky TV packages in the next aisle. I was accused of showing no interest. She pointed out that if we were to have a baby we need to tighten our belts and give up such luxuries. I, in hindsight stupidly and inappropriately, highlighted the fact that the amount we were currently spending on pregnancy testing kits could easily pay for a year’s subscription to Sky’s most comprehensive package including the porn channel. An argument ensued which I lost and we left the shop test-less and porn-less.

Hence the lone trip to the chemist followed by the florists. Flowers and a pregnancy test; possibly not the most romantic gift but it did the trick. Now back at home, working as a team once more, I supervise a controlled test under strict laboratory conditions; this time we had to do it properly.

“Two Minutes”. I begin a verbal countdown as if commentating on a space shuttle launch.

“One minute thirty”

“Dearest…” Jo butts in, but I continue in my role as Controller

“One Minute”

“Please…”

“30 seconds”

“Shut up!”

My stopwatch bleeps, announcing the arrival of the moment of truth.

We stare at each other in silence for a moment before I flip the test over.

“Well?” Jo begs.

My heart sinks. Negative. I don’t know if the words even leave my mouth by Jo gets the message. I put my head in my hands.

“Never mind – it doesn’t matter” She lies. “We can try again next month – trying is always fun! Tell you what – let’s get the porn channel to get us in the mood!”

It’s the kind of sentence some men will wait their entire lifetime to hear; it should raise a smile at the very least. But I don’t even look up. Jo starts promising me all sorts; my bowed head indicating to her the level of my distraught.

But I’m not distraught. Through the gaps in my fingers I am staring at the test window. I’m staring at the very faint blue line which is starting to appear. I can hear Jo’s voice somewhere in the distance, but I daren’t take my eyes off that line. Come on! You can do it! I will it on as if we have just fast-forwarded nine months to the birth.

“Yes!” Now I’m shouting out loud.

“Er,yes what?” Jo asks, worrying which hasty promise she had just made that I was in agreement with.

At last I can afford to look up at Jo.

“Yes. I’m going to be a Dad!”